It's not like I haven't had someone close to me die before. My mother passed 10 years ago, but that was a completely different situation. She was sick, and the person that she was left long before her body did, so her physical passing simply allowed the official grieving period to begin. In truth, it began the first time she didn't recognize me as her daughter.
This is different. So, so different. I cannot get my mind, my brain to accept that this person who was so vibrantly alive and who had such a larger-than-life personality and presence, is no longer here on this plane. Oh, his energy is still here, but that's not even remotely the same.
I look at his photos, I look into his eyes, and I can feel him...but I can't touch him and I just don't understand that. All of my intelligence, all of my emotional awareness, all of my intuition...none of it prepared me for this. None of it. I know that I'm not the first person to lose a mate suddenly, and unfortunately I won't be the last but right now I don't care about them. I can't care about them. They are not my concern, regardless of how selfish or self-absorbed that sounds. My concern is how to accept, how to deal with the fact that my best friend, my love, my soul mate will never put his arms around me again. That I'll never put my head on his shoulder in that sweet spot I always said was my favorite place in the whole world to be.
No more cuddling on lazy Sunday mornings, no more sharing at the end of a long day. No more finishing each other's sentences, each other's thoughts, no more inside jokes that only we shared. No more brushing his hair, or touching his face. The wit, the intelligence, the compassion...all gone.
Oh, yes, I know he still lives on. Yes, I get that. But right now it's small comfort because I've still got skin on, dammit, and he doesn't, and it wasn't supposed to end this way. And it hurts more than I ever, ever dreamed anything could hurt.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean it to be rude, cold, unfeeling, but I don't want any platitudes. I don't want to hear any "Oh, he's in a better place" or "This, too, will pass" or "It gets easier with time."
Yes, I know he is. Yes, I know it will. But right now...I don't care. I only care that while some hours are easier than other hours, the ones that suck do so beyond the ability of the suckmeter to measure.
I will not die with him. I will not remain in the darkness. But I'm here right now and while there are lights all around me they still cannot reach that cold place inside me where only rage and pain exist.
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will move forward, build a life without his physical presence. But I do so as an amputee of sorts, awkwardly trying to function without my heart.
Of course, I'll rise like the fabled Phoenix from the ashes of this experience. But not now. Not yet. I don't know when that transmutation will begin. And to be honest...I don't care. Not now. Not yet. And that's okay for me right now.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The best-laid plans...a status update
When I started this blog I planned to post regularly; at least once a week if not more often. However, things don't always go as we plan, and not only has it been nearly a month since I posted, initially it will not include the content I had intended it to have.
For anyone who reads this who is not aware--I can't imagine that anyone doesn't know, but just in case--early on the morning of October 29, my soul mate and life partner passed away. He simply went to sleep and didn't wake up. He was only 36, and while he did have blood pressure issues, to the best of our knowlege he was in otherwise good health, so it was, to say the least, a complete shock when I found him that morning.
The weeks since then, just over 3 of the longest, yet shortest, weeks of my life have been spent dealing with the physical and emotional loss of the best friend I ever had along with my soul mate, so it's been almost like losing two people in one. The husband and lover, and the friend and companion.
So if you're not interested in reading about the grief process, perhaps it's best if you read elsewhere for a while, because I have a feeling that's going to be my major topic for the foreseeable future. However, because I am actively working to heal, I will also discuss the holistic aspects including supplements, etc. For example, I've gone through almost a whole bottle of Bach Rescue Remedy, along with some other vitamins, minerals, and yes, a prescription for Klonopin, which is related to Xanax and Valium, for short-term use in coping with the emotions and the trauma that go along with such a wrenching experience.
I'll be sharing more later, but at least I'm able to write again, which is progress.
For anyone who reads this who is not aware--I can't imagine that anyone doesn't know, but just in case--early on the morning of October 29, my soul mate and life partner passed away. He simply went to sleep and didn't wake up. He was only 36, and while he did have blood pressure issues, to the best of our knowlege he was in otherwise good health, so it was, to say the least, a complete shock when I found him that morning.
The weeks since then, just over 3 of the longest, yet shortest, weeks of my life have been spent dealing with the physical and emotional loss of the best friend I ever had along with my soul mate, so it's been almost like losing two people in one. The husband and lover, and the friend and companion.
So if you're not interested in reading about the grief process, perhaps it's best if you read elsewhere for a while, because I have a feeling that's going to be my major topic for the foreseeable future. However, because I am actively working to heal, I will also discuss the holistic aspects including supplements, etc. For example, I've gone through almost a whole bottle of Bach Rescue Remedy, along with some other vitamins, minerals, and yes, a prescription for Klonopin, which is related to Xanax and Valium, for short-term use in coping with the emotions and the trauma that go along with such a wrenching experience.
I'll be sharing more later, but at least I'm able to write again, which is progress.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Where to start?
I didn't expect starting a new blog would be so complicated. Maybe I should have, but I didn't. Introduce myself, my subject matter, give a little info and voila! A blog is born!
However, it's not proven to be that simple. Starting with the introduction. My name is Lisa Janine Cloud (well, legally it's still Blackerby, but that's temporary and another story altogether). Up until I moved to Houston about 12 years ago, I went by Janine except for the first day of school and at new doctors' offices and the like, where I was called Lisa because it is, of course, my first name.
A funny thing happened just before I left my county of birth and moved to the Big City. I had an injury that required long-term medical treatment--not serious, it just took a while to heal--and I didn't immediately tell the nurses that I preferred to be called Janine. That meant the prescriptions and associated paperwork all listed my name as Lisa so I started to become conditioned to going by Lisa.
Then I started job hunting in Houston, and for the first time in my life had to interview more than once to find a job. (I don't mean that to sound egotistical, but it's true. My first two jobs I got from the first interview, and the next two I literally walked in as a customer and was offered a job.) I didn't realize how repetitive it got to have to keep saying "I go by Janine" until I had to do it several times and the first time I went into an interview and didn't tell the person interviewing me to call me Janine, I got the job. So I became Lisa.
Then came the internet. Because I was used to writing my name as Lisa at work, when I got online and started posting at various places, I didn't even think about how to sign posts on websites, I automatically typed Lisa, if I used my real name at all. I did go through a bit of an identity crisis, because Lisa has a much different vibration than Janine, but I got over it and became used to being Lisa at work, Janine at home and with family, and either Angelhawk (AH for short)or Koolaid Kid (or KK for short) at the two main sites I frequented.
Then came Facebook. You see where I'm going with this? In order to be visible to old friends and classmates who knew me as Janine, I listed my name as Lisa Janine. Because I've got several eras of friends all together, I have some who call me Lisa and some who call me Janine. Others take the easy way out and either call me LJC or LJ, or revert to AH or KK. (Then there's my cousin PK who sometimes calls me JC.)
So there's my dilemma. When simply deciding how to introduce myself becomes so complicated, how on earth do I expect to present other information clearly and concisely?
But that's what I intend to do here. I've studied and worked with natural health and alternative healing for over 20 years, and while I am not a doctor, nor am I officially certified in anything, I have gathered a wealth of knowledge over the years that I will share here and that I hope will be helpful to others. In this world and time of instant information, it's often difficult to discern what's true and what's not, what's helpful and what's harmful, what's healthy and what's dangerous. I don't claim to be an expert, but I do seem to have a talent for explaining things in a way that I've been told is useful and informative. I certainly hope you'll find that to be true.
In future posts I'll be discussing everything from natural healing, supplements and herbal remedies to the latest news from the world of medicine, and whatever else I feel drawn to present for examination and discussion. I'm happy to answer what questions I can, and if I don't know something, I'll tell you I don't know it and will try to find the answer.
Be forewarned, though, that I have a quirky sense of humor and my posts may seem to be rather...snarky...at times. I truly believe that while love heals all, laughter is the best medicine.
So it's begun.
However, it's not proven to be that simple. Starting with the introduction. My name is Lisa Janine Cloud (well, legally it's still Blackerby, but that's temporary and another story altogether). Up until I moved to Houston about 12 years ago, I went by Janine except for the first day of school and at new doctors' offices and the like, where I was called Lisa because it is, of course, my first name.
A funny thing happened just before I left my county of birth and moved to the Big City. I had an injury that required long-term medical treatment--not serious, it just took a while to heal--and I didn't immediately tell the nurses that I preferred to be called Janine. That meant the prescriptions and associated paperwork all listed my name as Lisa so I started to become conditioned to going by Lisa.
Then I started job hunting in Houston, and for the first time in my life had to interview more than once to find a job. (I don't mean that to sound egotistical, but it's true. My first two jobs I got from the first interview, and the next two I literally walked in as a customer and was offered a job.) I didn't realize how repetitive it got to have to keep saying "I go by Janine" until I had to do it several times and the first time I went into an interview and didn't tell the person interviewing me to call me Janine, I got the job. So I became Lisa.
Then came the internet. Because I was used to writing my name as Lisa at work, when I got online and started posting at various places, I didn't even think about how to sign posts on websites, I automatically typed Lisa, if I used my real name at all. I did go through a bit of an identity crisis, because Lisa has a much different vibration than Janine, but I got over it and became used to being Lisa at work, Janine at home and with family, and either Angelhawk (AH for short)or Koolaid Kid (or KK for short) at the two main sites I frequented.
Then came Facebook. You see where I'm going with this? In order to be visible to old friends and classmates who knew me as Janine, I listed my name as Lisa Janine. Because I've got several eras of friends all together, I have some who call me Lisa and some who call me Janine. Others take the easy way out and either call me LJC or LJ, or revert to AH or KK. (Then there's my cousin PK who sometimes calls me JC.)
So there's my dilemma. When simply deciding how to introduce myself becomes so complicated, how on earth do I expect to present other information clearly and concisely?
But that's what I intend to do here. I've studied and worked with natural health and alternative healing for over 20 years, and while I am not a doctor, nor am I officially certified in anything, I have gathered a wealth of knowledge over the years that I will share here and that I hope will be helpful to others. In this world and time of instant information, it's often difficult to discern what's true and what's not, what's helpful and what's harmful, what's healthy and what's dangerous. I don't claim to be an expert, but I do seem to have a talent for explaining things in a way that I've been told is useful and informative. I certainly hope you'll find that to be true.
In future posts I'll be discussing everything from natural healing, supplements and herbal remedies to the latest news from the world of medicine, and whatever else I feel drawn to present for examination and discussion. I'm happy to answer what questions I can, and if I don't know something, I'll tell you I don't know it and will try to find the answer.
Be forewarned, though, that I have a quirky sense of humor and my posts may seem to be rather...snarky...at times. I truly believe that while love heals all, laughter is the best medicine.
So it's begun.
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