Grief sucks

It's not like I haven't had someone close to me die before. My mother passed 10 years ago, but that was a completely different situation. She was sick, and the person that she was left long before her body did, so her physical passing simply allowed the official grieving period to begin. In truth, it began the first time she didn't recognize me as her daughter.

This is different. So, so different. I cannot get my mind, my brain to accept that this person who was so vibrantly alive and who had such a larger-than-life personality and presence, is no longer here on this plane. Oh, his energy is still here, but that's not even remotely the same.

I look at his photos, I look into his eyes, and I can feel him...but I can't touch him and I just don't understand that. All of my intelligence, all of my emotional awareness, all of my intuition...none of it prepared me for this. None of it. I know that I'm not the first person to lose a mate suddenly, and unfortunately I won't be the last but right now I don't care about them. I can't care about them. They are not my concern, regardless of how selfish or self-absorbed that sounds. My concern is how to accept, how to deal with the fact that my best friend, my love, my soul mate will never put his arms around me again. That I'll never put my head on his shoulder in that sweet spot I always said was my favorite place in the whole world to be.

No more cuddling on lazy Sunday mornings, no more sharing at the end of a long day. No more finishing each other's sentences, each other's thoughts, no more inside jokes that only we shared. No more brushing his hair, or touching his face. The wit, the intelligence, the compassion...all gone.

Oh, yes, I know he still lives on. Yes, I get that. But right now it's small comfort because I've still got skin on, dammit, and he doesn't, and it wasn't supposed to end this way. And it hurts more than I ever, ever dreamed anything could hurt.

Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean it to be rude, cold, unfeeling, but I don't want any platitudes. I don't want to hear any "Oh, he's in a better place" or "This, too, will pass" or "It gets easier with time."

Yes, I know he is. Yes, I know it will. But right now...I don't care. I only care that while some hours are easier than other hours, the ones that suck do so beyond the ability of the suckmeter to measure.

I will not die with him. I will not remain in the darkness. But I'm here right now and while there are lights all around me they still cannot reach that cold place inside me where only rage and pain exist.

I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will move forward, build a life without his physical presence. But I do so as an amputee of sorts, awkwardly trying to function without my heart.

Of course, I'll rise like the fabled Phoenix from the ashes of this experience. But not now. Not yet. I don't know when that transmutation will begin. And to be honest...I don't care. Not now. Not yet. And that's okay for me right now.

The best-laid plans...a status update

When I started this blog I planned to post regularly; at least once a week if not more often. However, things don't always go as we plan, and not only has it been nearly a month since I posted, initially it will not include the content I had intended it to have.

For anyone who reads this who is not aware--I can't imagine that anyone doesn't know, but just in case--early on the morning of October 29, my soul mate and life partner passed away. He simply went to sleep and didn't wake up. He was only 36, and while he did have blood pressure issues, to the best of our knowlege he was in otherwise good health, so it was, to say the least, a complete shock when I found him that morning.

The weeks since then, just over 3 of the longest, yet shortest, weeks of my life have been spent dealing with the physical and emotional loss of the best friend I ever had along with my soul mate, so it's been almost like losing two people in one. The husband and lover, and the friend and companion.

So if you're not interested in reading about the grief process, perhaps it's best if you read elsewhere for a while, because I have a feeling that's going to be my major topic for the foreseeable future. However, because I am actively working to heal, I will also discuss the holistic aspects including supplements, etc. For example, I've gone through almost a whole bottle of Bach Rescue Remedy, along with some other vitamins, minerals, and yes, a prescription for Klonopin, which is related to Xanax and Valium, for short-term use in coping with the emotions and the trauma that go along with such a wrenching experience.

I'll be sharing more later, but at least I'm able to write again, which is progress.