It's not like I haven't had someone close to me die before. My mother passed 10 years ago, but that was a completely different situation. She was sick, and the person that she was left long before her body did, so her physical passing simply allowed the official grieving period to begin. In truth, it began the first time she didn't recognize me as her daughter.
This is different. So, so different. I cannot get my mind, my brain to accept that this person who was so vibrantly alive and who had such a larger-than-life personality and presence, is no longer here on this plane. Oh, his energy is still here, but that's not even remotely the same.
I look at his photos, I look into his eyes, and I can feel him...but I can't touch him and I just don't understand that. All of my intelligence, all of my emotional awareness, all of my intuition...none of it prepared me for this. None of it. I know that I'm not the first person to lose a mate suddenly, and unfortunately I won't be the last but right now I don't care about them. I can't care about them. They are not my concern, regardless of how selfish or self-absorbed that sounds. My concern is how to accept, how to deal with the fact that my best friend, my love, my soul mate will never put his arms around me again. That I'll never put my head on his shoulder in that sweet spot I always said was my favorite place in the whole world to be.
No more cuddling on lazy Sunday mornings, no more sharing at the end of a long day. No more finishing each other's sentences, each other's thoughts, no more inside jokes that only we shared. No more brushing his hair, or touching his face. The wit, the intelligence, the compassion...all gone.
Oh, yes, I know he still lives on. Yes, I get that. But right now it's small comfort because I've still got skin on, dammit, and he doesn't, and it wasn't supposed to end this way. And it hurts more than I ever, ever dreamed anything could hurt.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I don't mean it to be rude, cold, unfeeling, but I don't want any platitudes. I don't want to hear any "Oh, he's in a better place" or "This, too, will pass" or "It gets easier with time."
Yes, I know he is. Yes, I know it will. But right now...I don't care. I only care that while some hours are easier than other hours, the ones that suck do so beyond the ability of the suckmeter to measure.
I will not die with him. I will not remain in the darkness. But I'm here right now and while there are lights all around me they still cannot reach that cold place inside me where only rage and pain exist.
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will move forward, build a life without his physical presence. But I do so as an amputee of sorts, awkwardly trying to function without my heart.
Of course, I'll rise like the fabled Phoenix from the ashes of this experience. But not now. Not yet. I don't know when that transmutation will begin. And to be honest...I don't care. Not now. Not yet. And that's okay for me right now.
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You don't owe anyone rationalizing your feelings and emotions...just hang in there, babe! It's your journey.
ReplyDelete*big hugs*
I am so, so sorry for being one of "those" people who offered you platitudes (ie, it gets better with time) instead of letting you feel your sadness. It's so hard to know just what to say. You rail, you rant, shake your fists at the gods. Do whatever feels right for you in the now and I'll just stand here, right behind you, in case you need me.
ReplyDeleteHe's in a better place. This too shall pass. It gets easier with time.
ReplyDeleteNow that we got that b.s. out of the way, let me tell you that being selfish and self-absorbed is your right at this moment! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't feel guilted into not feeling that way. You just lost your love. That's heart-wrenching enough without people telling you how to or not to behave.
I wrote this soon after Cliff died:
Widow Island
Upon new widowhood, all widows would have the choice to go to a
place called "Widow Island." Of course, this is not the kind of
island people choose to go to, but it is one option to help deal
with the grief. This would be an all inclusive resort with the
highest price to pay: The loss of a spouse.
Upon arrival, you would be shown the finest accommodations. You
would have your choice of an apartment, house, condo, bungalow,
cottage, or shared room. It would be whatever would suit your
family's needs and what would make you feel most comfortable. God
knows that you've already had enough discomfort. All widows would be
placed in these lodgings according to demographics when possible.
Younger widows would be with people close to their age bracket and
ones with children would be placed near others with children roughly
the same age. This is not done to segregate the new widow from
others, but to help them feel they are not alone. Younger widows
tend to be a bit more spread out in early widowhood and on Widow
Island, the point is to bond with other widows. Fraternizing with
patrons not in your area is not only allowed, but encouraged.
Childcare for those with children will be provided at no additional
cost. It will be available 24/7 so that any widow can feel as if
they can escape for a short while at any time needed. Please do not
leave your children with our childcare service for longer than 8
hours at a time. Your children do still need you at this time.
Working will be an option. If you do feel you can go back to work
ReplyDeletethere will be work available in any and all positions you held
previously. If you choose, you can attend our community college that
will allow you to pursue a new career. If you decide you would like
to stay at home, you are more than welcome to.
Group counseling will be available on a daily basis. No one is
required to attend, but it is more than highly recommended. There
will be counseling sessions catered to most widows needs. There will
be ones for widows grouped by 10 year differences and with or
without children. Don't worry about being alone in the session.
Unfortunately we have never experienced any being empty. There will
also be general counseling that any can attend. For our children, we
offer full-service grief counseling in group sessions. In addition
to group counseling, there will also be individual and family
counseling available for all residents of Widow Island.
Substances are not encouraged on Widow Island. Alcoholic beverages
will be served to widows that have been widowed for more than one
year only. Controlled substances, I.E. Prozac or sleeping pills,
will be prescribed on an as-needed basis and only under the watchful
eye of our esteemed physicians. These are not encouraged for long-
term use. If you regularly take prescription medications, please
bring a list to our pharmacy. As we have full medical coverage for
our residents, we would be happy to serve you in this matter. Please
feel free to see our physicians for any medical matter you may be
experiencing, whether YOU feel it is necessary or not.
Since your fitness matters to us, a full gym is provided for those
widows who choose. We also provide full meal service to all our
widows. You will find a menu next to the telephone. We provide a
variety of delicacy's from "comfort food" to our low fat options.
There will also be plenty of food options available for your
children.
Smoking is allowed in a very few, secluded designated areas only and
never allowed in any of the rooms.
Please bring a copy of all of your bills and death certificates to
Widow Island. Our team of accountants will be sure that they are
maintained properly. Our team of lawyers will be sure to assist you
with any probate issues you may have to deal with. This is to ease
your mind regarding financial and legal matters. As a new widow, you
have more than enough to deal with. Whether or not you get to keep
your husband's financed car should be in the back of your mind, not
the front.
We offer a full library of grief assistance including all known
grief books and booklets with many copies readily available. The
library is open to all residents. If you choose not to read a grief
book, we do have many others genres to choose from. There will also
be the option of having a small selection of grief books already set
in your room. They are available for whenever you are ready to take
a look at them.
Schooling for your children is extremely important to us. We offer a
full school from grades K-12 and, as stated before, a community
college. Your child will be picked up by bus daily to attend. You do
not have to worry about getting your kids off to school unless you
choose so.
All amenities come with the package of staying on Widow Island. All
that you do on Widow Island is by choice, not necessity. Please feel
free to stay as long as you need to. You will not incur any
additional expenses. You need to rest, relax, and regain yourself or
stay active with our many extracurricular activities.
You have already paid the highest price in being able to stay on our
island. We hope that your stay makes things just a little bit easier
during your transition.
I think you're doing the best thing you can do right now, expressing how you feel. I know you and Tex were fairly private people. I'm glad you're getting your feelings out, no matter what avenue you use.
ReplyDeleteWhen a friend of mine lost someone he loved, he said he felt like his body was a big puzzle and all the pieces had fallen to the floor. At first, he didn't even recognize the pieces, but he knew he had to put himself back together again. The puzzle pieces had changed, they didn't fit the same way anymore, but eventually, he was able to figure out how each piece fit.
I offer you my friendship and support in your journey, KK.
You and Tex had a relationship that some of us only dream of and will never experience. Let's call it the perfect Camelot of love. If I had to pick two people to exemplify absolute soul mates? LJ & Tex.
ReplyDeleteAs wonderful as that is, it has to make the pain so much more unbearable. All the platitudes in the world will not make it better. Let it out, my sweet friend and if I have to repeat myself, let it be with this. I am here for you - let me help in any way you are comfortable with. Please don't ever hesitate to ask.
(((love & hugs)))
Kraken Support Number +1-847-868-3847 is accessible 24×7 during that point for all clients. All clients should present their client enrollment subtleties, enlisted id, phone number and that we are going to be happy to support you.
ReplyDeleteFor more info call Kraken support number +1-847-868-3847 or visit our site https://krakencontactinfo.com/kraken-support-number-2020/